Kevin’s Broken Gaydar

The Stranger: Broken Gaydar

**The following article does NOT represent GaymerConnect, its affiliates, or of any of the character’s parent companies.  It’s really just a little comedy article from somebody with poor taste.  Kevin is really just a lonely, sad little man with a comedian’s brain that dreams of people liking him.  Enjoy!**


My gaydar is some of the strongest you might ever meet.  Sometimes, it seems like everybody around me is gay… businessmen are checking out my ass, business women are completely ignoring me, and I’m sure there are others.  But after I was approached to break open the closet on certain popular characters (for which I have MASSIVE amounts of truthful, factual evidence), my first reaction was to say no.  I don’t think outing anybody is nice or helpful, and it can only go to hurting everyone involved in the process.

And then I was offered a baby-sized Cadbury Cream Egg.  I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY CAME IN BABY SIZE!  And with that kind of bribe, I’ll out whoever you want!

Today, I’ve got a grand total of three characters so deep in the closet, Narnia has to go into their closets to find them.  And they’re wearing somebody else’s closet’s feather boas.  If you feel me wrong, please feel free to correct me.  Except you won’t be able to.  Because of the logic and self-evident facts and powerful, powerful gaydar involved in discovering them.

1. Luigi (Super Mario series)

Only one of the gays could possibly be so happy to NOT be with a woman.

C’mon, Luigi is TOTALLY gay.  He never has a girlfriend (that Daisy is nothing more than a beard), he’s always has to be around his brother, and the only times he has adventures on his own he has to be surrounded by Toads a-la Luigi’s Mansion.  Plus, he’s got the whole concept of “color blocking” down with the green and blue.

He’s also constantly surrounding himself with smaller Toads (which we all know are totally tiny dudes) in the few games he’s been the star of.  He’s been seen with them running around and falling all over him in both Luigi’s Mansion titles, and all that tells me is that he likes his men at a certain… *cough* height.

2. Mega Man (Mega Man series)

“I told you, I’m TOTALLY not gay. Just ask me… totally straight. I just like rainbows and armor pimping, that’s not gay!”

Who’s the only girl in Mega Man’s life?  His sister Roll (and the mermaid chick from MM10, but she’s a robot, doesn’t count*).  Everybody else in those games is a dude.  And not just any dudes, but a wide variety of intricately-dressed, colorful, dare I say flamboyant dudes.  Cloud Man has obviously got a thing for the man-bot, and it didn’t look like ol’ Megs was fighting his hardest at any given point against Guts Man.  Ooooohhhhh Guts Man, always flexing like the gym-trolling behemoth he is.  You just know they’re bumping robot uglies.  The horrors Rush has told me about personally make even my oil can feel like a whore.

3. Kirby (Kirby series)

Do I need to add ANYTHING to this image?

How can Kirby NOT be gay?  HE’S PINK AND SUCKS EVERYTHING UP.  He’s powered up by friggin’ LOLLIPOPS.  When he was trying to first make his mark on the Game Boy he was only in black and white, but once he started making it big?  TOTAL rainbow queen.  I mean, if he’s not queer as a three-dollar bill, where is there a lady-version of the pink blobby variety?  Even Pac-Man – a yellow mostly-a-circle monster – had a lady version with a bow and lipstick (though I still think Pac’s just cross-dressin’), who does Kirby have?  Just more cutesy animals to try and MURDER him for being so colorful.

In a way, he’s the Rock Hudson of the video game world… minus the abs.  And the chiseled… everything that Rock Hudson had.

If there’s anybody you’d like me to explore, leave a comment or let me know on GaymerConnect and I’ll do the appropriate research.  THE TRUTH SHALL BE SET FREE!


*I know Roll’s a robot.  But it’s funnier the way I heard that said in my head.

Political Level Up: March 4 Equality

On March 25, equality-minded citizens across the nation will unite in support of marriage equality, in an event called March 4 Equality.  The movement seeks raise awareness of the pending marriage equality cases in the U.S. Supreme Court, which stand poised to either uphold or strike down both DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) and California’s Proposition 8 (a voter initiative prohibiting same-sex marriage).  If either one of these discriminatory legislations is struck down, it will be a major step forward in the fight for equal rights and marriage equality, and GaymerConnect is going to be a part of it.

In November 2008, voters in California were presented with a bittersweet election day.  America had elected its first African American to the highest office in the land, but California had taken a step backward in civil rights by affirming Proposition 8.  Proposition 8 amended the California Constitution to define “marriage” as between a man and a woman, effectively ending same-sex marriages which had been sanctioned in California since the California Supreme Court’s ruling in June 2008.  In San Francisco, members of the LGBT community and its allies gathered in the streets bearing signs in support of marriage equality and marched from the Castro district to City Hall.  They stood together in protest of the state’s refusal to recognize marriage for same-sex couples as a fundamental and human right, and they held candlelit vigils at City Hall to show their commitment to those principles.

Almost 5 years later, the Supreme Court of the United States is slated to rule on the constitutionality of Proposition 8, and those same individuals have risen again in support of marriage equality and in protest of discrimination and hate.  For Gaymers, as well as any individual who values civil rights, it is a chance to be a part of history by participating in this movement.  Marriage may not be the top priority for all Gaymers, but everyone can agree that all citizens should be allowed the right to marry the person of their choosing, no matter their gender.  Our community is strongest when we can come together to support each other for a common goal, and everyone is elevated when we support equal rights.

If you’re in the Bay Area, especially San Francisco, you should make it a point to join the March 4 Equality on March 25th at 6:30 p.m.  at the intersection of Castro and Market.  March 4 Equality will be marching until 8:30 p.m. and will end the march at San Francisco City Hall in Civic Center.  There will be some pre-made signs available at the beginning of the march, but you are encouraged to be creative and bring your own handmade sign (something Gaymer-related would rock!).  If you’d like to volunteer, email [email protected] or just show up for set-up at 5:30 p.m. on March 25th at Castro and Market.  SF Gaymers and the folks from GaymerConnect will be there, and you can tell them you’re coming on Facebook.

There will also be two vigils held at San Francisco City Hall on March 26th and 27th from 4:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.

If you aren’t in the Bay Area or can’t make it, never fear!  You can always help out by spreading the word about the Supreme Court cases or marriage equality in general.  A good place to start is where you can check the latest developments in marriage equality and protests across the nation, including a fantastic interactive map of local events.

Spread the word and let your voices be heard, Gaymers! By supporting marriage equality we can help our nation level up.

– Brett


Brett’s “Gaymer Q&A”: How do I respond to being called “homo” or “fag” online?

**Hello again Gaymers, it’s Brett, your fearless conductor of a fancy blog train barreling headlong toward Issue Town and Frivolity-burg, and you’re here for the third installment this little ongoing series called Gaymer Q&A, which well delve deep into the rich world of Gaymer life and culture.  Also jokes! In short, it will fall somewhere between a TED talk on the existential crisis of our age and a clown who poops rainbows.  Enjoy! Opinions of this blog post do not necessarily reflect those of GaymerConnect and are my own, a cis-gendered gay male who is also a dervish of declension and conjurer of conjugation with a million hit points and maximum charisma.**

Q: How do I respond to being called “homo” or “fag” online? 

A: For those of you who have been sealed away in some sort of mystical tomb for 1000 years or have never broken your internet-gaming hymen by straying from single player, the words “fag,” “homo,” and “gay” are used about as often by online gamers as by the Westboro Baptist Church.  And like many of the members of the “God Hates Fags” Church, many of the players who sling slurs are innocent, obnoxious children.

Do you remember being a child?  (For those of you under the age of 18, pretend that you remember and play Angry Birds on your new iPad mini)  Childhood is full of misinformation yet has a punishingly steep social learning curve.  Don’t know what some kid at school or at a party is talking about?  Better pretend you do (or figure out the reference fast) or it’s curtains for you!

Social dynamics are basically the same today, even with vastly more knowledge available a Google-beat away.  I think if I somehow traveled back in time to relive most of my adolescence with a combination of Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, and IMDB, I would have been a golden god.  Regardless, things haven’t changed that much, and the fact is that most children still learn things ye olde fashioned way: either from their family or their peers.

It stands to reason that kids are learning to spout “fag” and “homo” from either their parents, siblings, and/or other kids.  And whoever taught them how to use those slurs has inspired them to use it like a Klansman with Tourette’s.  And although I’m pretty sure I don’t know how I’m playing MTG Online “like a homo,” many other players are quick to remind me of very constructive criticism.  As I’ve learned, there are a couple of ways to deal with situations like this:

1) Ignore it

This was everyone’s mom’s cure-all.  It may not be terribly satisfying, but it does make some sense.  You’re an adult (mostly), and you don’t have to rise to the challenge of some 14-year-old who still spends most of his free time masturbating furiously in a room down the hall from his parents.  Take a page from one of my current favorites on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, and let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back.

2) Screw that, fight back!

F that high road S, this is the internet, time to street fight, muthafugga!  You can certainly be more clever than a 5th grader, so try to get creative on them.  I prefer to bust out with “asshat” or “dicksneeze,” and calling someone a “pathetic turd” always brings me great satisfaction.  Remember, avoid cursing, as your adolescent attackers will likely already be letting loose a flurry of f*cks and sh*ts, and by staying classy, you’ll not only be setting yourself apart but also setting a good example.  If all else fails, go for their gonads with a close-to-home line like “how’s high school algebra, you gonna graduate on time?” or “still worried about getting boners in gym class?”

3) Express your feelings in an earnest and constructive manner

Children respond well to pedantic adult speeches given over the internet from thousands of miles away, right?  Hella wrong.  But, you wanted to take the high road, so this is what you’re up against.  At the very least, be brief and not incredibly tedious.  Something like “don’t call me a faggot again or I will report/ban you.”  Don’t like the idea of reporting someone?  Even if this is the high road, you should be comfortable dispatching these brats by identifying them to someone with virtual power.

4) Embrace it and make your attacker uncomfortable

This is my personal favorite.  If a player tells you that you’re playing Halo/WoW/Tetris like a homo, tell them thanks and that you’re doing your best to play while wrangling a whole gang of big black schlongs.  You only have so many orifices and hands.  If they invite you to suck their dick, ask them if they’re cut or uncut, and impress them with your knowledge of all things phallus.  No teenager is confident enough with their sexuality to have a detailed conversation about actual man sex.  If you are more knowledgeable about bio lady-parts, I wouldn’t exactly start down this road, as adolescent boys would love to engage you in talk about possible lesbian encounters and how they would “help out.”

5) Quit online games forever!

Game over man! Time to go back to playing SimCity2000, Outpost, or Civilization in your underwear until 5 a.m., deriving pure joy from amazing and disappointing only yourself.


In space…no one can call you faggot.

– Brett